August 28, 2001 Sandra Bernhard has a talk show. The Sandra Bernhard Experience is on A&E and it is giving me a complex. See, I like Sandra Bernhard -- in theory. In some sort of an abstract, I-am-not-watching-her-blather-on-right-at-this-moment way, I like her. Or maybe I simply like the idea of a quirky, loud-mouthed, ascerbic, sleek fashion maven without the model's face who speaks her mind every chance she gets. So when someone mentions Sandra Bernhard, I think, "Oh, I like her," which makes me feel all hip and intellectual and cutting edge, which, in turn, makes me feel good about myself. However, while I did like her as Jerry Lewis' stalker in The King of Comedy and I do find some of her bits amusing and thought-provoking, mostly, Sandra annoys me; I just never realized it before. Although, up until yesterday, I wasn't watching her on any kind of a regular basis. But now I've watched The Sandra Bernhard Experience for two straight nights since A&E went and fucked around with their evening lineup and stopped showing Law & Order for the billionth time. (Personally, regardless of my newly discovered negative feelings towards Sandra, I think A&E is really tempting fate by screwing around with the Law & Order syndication schedule. For one thing, they're going to have to deal with all the obsessive fans who are pissed that they can't see Episode 8.6: "Baby It's You" for the seventeenth time because they need to check if Briscoe is wearing the same tie in the opening scene of that episode that he wore in the ending scene of the first Law & Order/Homicide crossover -- Episode 6.13: "Charm City" -- you know, 'cause "McCoyFan" is over on the message boards insisting that it's the same tie and isn't that a cool way to "tie" the crossover episodes together? And how do I have such a firm handle on the psyche of the obsessive Law & Order fan? Let's put it this way: Richard Belzer was on Homicide: Life on the Street and during the course of that show made several crossover appearances on L&O, finally culminating in his moving permanently to Law & Order: Special Victims Unit when Homicide ended. I love Richard Belzer. I also quite like Jerry Orbach and Sam Waterston. It would be in the best interest of A&E, USA, NBC, and CourtTV if they all left the broadcast and syndication schedules of Homicide, L&O, and L&O: Special Victims Unit untouched. I'm not saying anything bad would definitely happen if suddenly those programs were not being rebroadcast with the same frequency, but really, do any of us want to take that risk? Besides, Law & Order not being run at least ten times a day on A&E is one of the signs of the Apocalypse.) But I digress. As I was saying, A&E is giving Sandra Bernhard's talk show a week-long trial run and I've been watching it instead of going to bed at a decent hour. Then again, I've also been watching re-runs of really bad, made-for-TV family movies on the Disney Channel at three in the morning because I don't sleep so well when I am alone in the apartment and Erica has been at her parents' house for what feels like years already. Oh, but I am digressing again. My point is I think I'd rather be watching Quints on the Disney Channel than Miss Sandra and yet, every fiber of my being really wants to like her new show because, as you already know, every fiber of my being desperately does not want to be considered provincial. On the surface, Quints is my Aunt Elaine's teal polyester pantsuit with the matching cigarette case, while The Sandra Bernhard Experience should be a smoking, leopard print suit with faux fur trim, and really who, other than my Aunt Elaine, wants to admit that they like the pantsuit better? The thing is that I think I could like Sandra's new show if Sandra would just shut the fuck up for five friggin' seconds. She's had some interesting guests: Boy George, Stevie Van Zandt, Chrissie Hynde, monologist Nora Burns; tomorrow, she's got Gloria Steinem and Thursday, The Wild Colonials are playing. But it seems like all they talk about is Sandra. I mean, she's got Boy George on there and he's talking about how he stalks David Bowie and still goes to all of his shows and knows every single word to every single song and shaved his eyebrows so he could look like Ziggy Stardust, and Sandra's all like, "Yeah, well, that's fascinating, but let's talk about how I am obsessed with Joni Mitchell and how MY FRIEND, Madonna, had to deal with obsessive fans who were pissed because she didn't perform any old numbers except 'La Isla Bonita' on her new tour." At one point, Nora Burns is talking about how she came out to Chicago at the last minute to appear on a show and couldn't find anything to wear because Midwesterners don't seem to have the need for trashy, club-type clothing, so she had to go to TJ Maxx and all of a sudden, Sandra is announcing that her nanny shops in TJ Maxx and she gets "amazing" outfits there for herself and for SANDRA'S kid. Better yet, she actually interrupted SNL writer Hugh Fink to tell him that she and her sidekick were drinking some bizarre vodka cocktails that they got the recipe for from the back of a 1978 issue of MS. Magazine. "Just so you know what kind of mindframe we're in tonight." Um, okay, thanks for sharing. I wasn't interested in what your guest -- you know, the person you are supposed to be interviewing -- was saying or anything. Plus, she's got these two annoying sidekicks -- Sara and Mitchie (I think his name is Mitchell but she keeps calling him Mitchie. "Mitchie and I study Kaballah together, you know." No, Sandra, I didn't know. I also didn't know that underneath that high-fashion, pop culture exterior, you are really Holden's mother. Hey, maybe you can give me a good recipe for kugel since his mom is not currently speaking to me.) Sara fulfills the Andy Richter-Ed McMahon-Glen Humplick roll and apparently holds the record for having the world's longest stick up her ass. Mitchie plays piano and dresses really badly -- I swear last night he was wearing a blazer with no shirt underneath, or maybe my eyesight is really bad. Both of them just sit there and listen to Sandra talk about herself and how her guests relate to her world. Oh, and they laugh. They laugh really hard because there is no studio audience, just Mitchie and Sara and Sandra and a celebrity sitting on a very dark set. Ocassionally, they'll help keep her on track with ever-so-interesting commentary like "Sandra remember when you were in the Village with Joe and you saw Edie?" Thank God for you, Sara and Mitchie, because otherwise the guests may actually be able to say something that does not relate to Sandra in some way. The self-absorption goes way past just dominating the conversation, though. She keeps singing. I guess I have never heard her sing before, but Tom Waits would have been better served singing "Downtown Train" himself (and he's not that easy on the eardrums) than having her sing it. She wasn't so bad when she burst into song and seranaded Boy George, but considering the fact that because she sang, there wasn't enough time for Boy George to sing, I'd have to wager that Sandra would be happy if A&E let her forget the guests altogether and just sit in a room with Mitchie and Sara and blather on for an hour. You know, but even if she just blathers on for an hour, they'd better step up the production values because right now, it's like watching a cable access show. I was watching tonight and having flashbacks to when Sammy and Sabrina were interviewed by a six-foot-three-inch transvestite on her public access talk show. And the flashbacks were more entertaining. Yet, I want to be able to say I like this program. I am afraid that if I don't like this program, then it's my fault -- I'm stupid or hopelessly square or something. God forbid Sandra is a bit self-absorbed or pretentious. So I keep watching. I watched the entire episode tonight. And I am sure I will watch the entire episode tomorrow -- gnashing my teeth but secretly hoping that eventually I'll be cool enough to get it. Well, either that's my problem, or it all comes down to the fact that I see more than a little of myself in Sandra. I mean, hell, in my world it's all about how everything relates to ME. I teach literature to my students and suddenly I'm explaining Updike's A&P in terms of how when I was twenty-three I walked out on a job over a petty misunderstanding about scheduling. I taught my first lesson in Creative Writing and, granted, it was a "get to know everyone" session but I was still on one hell of a roll about who I am and what my philosophy of writing is. Give me an audience -- one that thinks I'm even remotely entertaining or slightly charming -- and I'm off. I'm an online journaler, for Christ's sake! If A&E gave me a swinging, dimly lit set, vodka cocktails, two sycophantic sidekicks and a string of celebrity guests to entertain me would I be doing much more than bringing it all back around to me? Probably not. And maybe that's why watching Sandra commit the sins that I would if only I had my own talk show makes me squirm deep down in my "not-famous-at-least-the-world-at-large-doesn't-know-how-self-absorbed-I-really-am" soul. Although, I promise you all -- no matter how many vodka cocktails A&E let me make from old MS. Magazine recipes, I still wouldn't sing.

7 Deadly Sins and Other, Less Fatal Diversions Pride: Still grooving on my new haircut, even if it no longer smells like the beach. Envy: I wish I was one of those students who take very neat, very meticulous notes. I'm so disorganized and my handwriting is so atrocious that it's almost a waste of time for me to take notes in class. Half the time, I can't remember where I wrote them down and the other half, I can't read them. Wrath: I am turning my wrath inward today. I lost my social security card. I need it to fill out paperwork for University A so I can get paid. I suck. Sloth: Maybe if my personal space didn't resemble a war zone, I would be able to find my social security card. Avarice: It seems as if someone up there approves of my quest for more bucks. My boss at University B just offered me another class section. It's going to be a bitch, but for an extra $1500, I'll suffer. Gluttony: I went food shopping today when I was hungry. Enough said. Lust: There was this boy on the elevator at University A today; he was right up my alley. Shaggy hair, glasses, pale, tall, thin, retro-hipster-doofus vibe. Then he got off on the Philosophy floor and I thought, "Well, they can't all be perfect." Book: Don Quixote. Crush: Fenton, baby. Hopefully, he isn't a really big Sandra Bernhard fan. After all, he is gay. Task at Hand: Still writing that syllabus. I'd better hurry. I teach again tomorrow.