December 10, 2001 So, two months and six days later.... I totally suck, don't I? Wait until you find out what I've been doing with my time instead of updating. Then you'll think I *really* suck. The other day, I opened Microsoft Outlook because my MSN Quickview told me that I had email that wasn't from a) "jennifer17", asking me "Do you like your women bad?"; b) nbc.com, alerting me to the fact that Third Watch will yet again be pulling some dogs and children to safety on yet another action-packed episode (I curse the day that my love for Richard Belzer enticed me to log onto the nbc.com message boards in the hopes of ascertaining the truth about the rumors that my beloved was leaving Law and Order: SVU); or c) from yet another University B student, explaining why he hasn't been in class all semester: "Gee, I'm really sorry, Kate, but you see, my roommate tried to commit suicide and when I found out that you don't get an automatic A if your roommate only TRIES to kill himself but doesn't SUCCEED, so I thought maybe I'd try killing myself and well, that's why I haven't been in your class for the past eight weeks. So, anyway, I know I haven't turned in any of the work but do you think I could give you a half-assed, crappy paper on how that necklace story by that Gay la Moppissant guy was really whack because the girl in the story should have learned to just be herself and not need to borrow any jewelry just to pretend she was a big shot? And then maybe you could not only pass me but give me an A? Do you think that's possible? Oh, and by the way, do we need to do that CIA citation thing on the paper? Or is it the FBI?" Imagine my frustration when the email from Jane (one of Rose Theatre's actresses) turned out to be: Re: Fw: Fw: [FWD: Fwd: freaky test i didnt believe it but i took it and all the answers were accurate!] Great, a chain letter. At least "jennifer17" doesn't want me to foward her email about hot, horny teen sex sites to twelve of my closet friends. I closed Outlook and headed out onto the World Wide Web. Poor, Jane. She's so gullible. Probably thinks that sending this stupid thing to the entire cast is going to improve her chances with Cliff. Why I didn't delete the stupid thing, I don't rightly know. Perhaps, even as I was snorting in derision at Jane's naviete, I was secretly dying to know just why this test was so "freaky." Obviously, this chain letter was the work of advertising geniuses. Putting the fact that the test is freaky in the subject line of the email is apparently a high caliber marketing scheme because don't you know, I opened the damn thing the next time I was checking my email? Of course, that may have had something to do with the fact that, at the time, I was sifting through a batch of emails from University B students containing extremely bad poetry about "technological artifacts:" The Hoover Dam is quite tall Without it, Las Vegas wouldn't have water at all Yes, the Hoover Dam is a miracle No wonder why everyone is so thankful. You try reading thirty more of these jaunty verses and see if you don't go running to chain letters for intellectual stimulation. I'll just take a quick peek. I want to see if it's that test where you have to imagine the house and the body of water. That one *was* kind of cool. After, seventeen previous message headers (Every person from the beginning of time must have received this test. I swear, I saw JesusChrist@aol.com on that last one), the test finally began. Or at least the instructions did. This is freaky as HELL...DO NOT CHEAT (you'll kick yourself later) Ah, the prerequisite warning. I should just scroll down and see if it's the test I'm thinking of. But wouldn't that be cheating? I really don't want to be kicking myself later. It's not pleasant and besides, it's damn hard to do. I was a little skeptical trying this, but if you follow the instructions to the "t" you'll be surprised! Hmmm...the "t"? I wonder if that's anything like a "t" or "the letter?" I sure hope so because I don't really know the way to "the t." All of my answers were accurate. We'll see tomorrow if the wish comes true. I'll let you know. Considering the person who wrote this was the person who originally sent the test and that was about five hundred forwards ago, I doubt if I'll be receiving that update. Hopefully, Job's wish for God to ease up on him came true. Take 3 minutes and try this...it will freak you out! Do I have to take EXACTLY three minutes? What if I take two and a half? Or four? Will I fail to be freaked out? The person who sent it to me said her wish came true 10 minutes after they read the mail. Ah, so Sybil was the one who started this damn thing. BUT NO CHEATING! This game has a funny/spooky outcome. You know, those all caps are really the only things that are keeping me in line here. Otherwise, I'd be cheating up a storm. By the way, do I get to pick whether my outcome is funny or spooky? I mean, is it an and/or type situation? Or does "funny" mean "weird funny" not "funny funny"? Don't read ahead...just do it in order! It takes about 3 minutes...it's worth a try! :) Alright, already. Enough suspense. Although I am glad to see that exact timing is not required. First..get a pen and paper. When you actually choose names, make sure it's people you actually know and go with your first instinct. What if my first instinct is to always second-guess myself? Scroll down one line at a time and don't read ahead or you'll ruin it! MUST. NOT. READ. AHEAD. MUST. BE. FREAKED. OUT. 1. First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column. Check. 2. Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write down any numbers you want. Okay. For number one, I'll put 7 and for number two, 8. Boy, am I good at this or what? 3. Beside 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex. Hmmm...For three, I'll put Penn Jilette and for seven, the Belz. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm supposed to put down people I actually know but jeez, all that obsessing I do is like the equivalent of actually knowing them, right? NO LOOKING AHEAD OR IT WON'T TURN OUT RIGHT! Oh, thank God you were here to stop me. 4. Write anyone's name (like friends or family) in the 4th, 5th and 6th spot. 4. Holden; 5. Erica; 6. Pat. Easy enough. 5. Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10, 11. GO WITH YOUR INSTINCT PEOPLE!!!!! Really, is there anything more wise than the ALL CAPS? I would have sat here all day agonizing over song titles if it hadn't warned me. Alright. 8. "Yellow" by Coldplay; 9. "Angel Baby" by Rosie and the Originals. Geez, where did that one come from? 10. "If You Don't Know Me by Now" by who? Simply Red? Ick. What's up with that? I don't even like that song. 11. "Daylight Fading" by Counting Crows. 6. Finally, make a wish. Okay....got it. No! Wait!....alright...I'm set....No! Wait! What the hell am I thinking? A monkey? Really.....Okay. And now the key for the game.... Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Here it comes.... 1. You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game. Figures, I pick eight. 2. The person in space 3 is the one you love. Hmmm....Penn Jilette is the person I love. Haven't I been saying that for years? Finally! Validation! And hell, that explains the way he looked at me when I asked him to sign my program at that last show. Well, it does if the love is supposed to be mutual. Or maybe not. The person in space 7 is one you like but can't work out. The Belz. How true is that?! I mean, what with him being a rich, witty, famous actor/writer who lives half the year in France and is married and doesn't even know I exist. No wonder we can't work it out. 4. You care most about the person you put in number 4. Holden. How correct. That is a little freaky. 5. The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well. Erica. Not unless I've been talking in my sleep. *Very loudly*. The person you name in number 6 is your lucky star. Awwwww. Pat. Although, just what is my "lucky star?" Are we using the Madonna definition here? Is Pat my lucky star because he "makes the darkness seem so far?" 7. The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3. Okay, so my relationship with Penn is best summed up by Coldplay's "Yellow." I guess I would "swim across" for Penn. I might even "bleed myself dry." Although, I doubt if that man has ever been "skin and bones." 8. The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7. How sweet. Belzer gets "Angel Baby." I'm sure he's touched....Although, it is a little weird that I picked a love song for number nine.... The tenth space is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind. "If You Don't Know Me by Now." Okay, now I'm scared. This test is a tool of the Devil, isn't it? Or at least Scientology. 10. 11 is the song telling you how you feel about life. "Daylight Fading." Gee, I'm a regular Mary Sunshine, ain't I? NOW... Uh oh. Here comes the extortion. That's the way these things always work, isn't it? First they freak you out with their intimate knowledge of your lusts and your apparently disordered mind and then they demand things. Unspeakable things. send this to 10 people within the hour you read this... Does that ten people include the eight I was already commanded to let know about the test in number one? Does the eight supercede the ten? I mean, since I picked eight, do I only have to let eight people know? I know. I know. I have to send to ten. There's no use bargaining with the Fates, seeing as chain letters fall under their obvious jurisdiction. IF you do, your wish will come true! If you don't, it will become the opposite! Oh, of course. It isn't enough to just say that if I meet your demands my wish will come true and hope that will be enough to induce me to annoy ten of my friends and relations. Noooooo. You just have to throw in the added threat of reversal, don't you? Why the hell wasn't I smart enough to wish that I would never be published? Then I could just ignore this crap and not send anything out and the reverse would come true and I'd be the next Stephen King! Well, hey, that's not a bad idea. I'll have to try that next time. But what do I do about this time? I mean, what if I don't send it? Then my wish will be reversed and well, we really don't want that, do we? My luck is bad enough as it is. Then again, am I going to let some stupid chain letter bully me into this? It's just an email, for crying out loud! Ah, an email that KNEW that Holden is the person I care most about. An email that also seems to think that Richard Belzer is the person you like but can't work out. Honestly. Yeah, but think about it. I *do* like him. I've never met him and if I ever do, he's totally married, but aren't both of those enough to technically not be able to work this thing out? Sure, and Penn Jilette is the person you love. The chain letter didn't say anything about him loving me back. Oh, come on, Kate, really. Yeah? What about number nine, huh? What about the song for my mind? "If You Don't Know Me by Now!" You have to admit that I've got no more clue what's going on in my own head than I do about where they buried Jimmy Hoffa. That is true. But.... But what? That letter KNOWS things. Secret things. Do you really want to cross it? Not if you put it that way. Exactly. The chain letter could keep our wish from coming true. Not only that, it could make things worse. Do you want that? No. I didn't think so. So who amongst our friends is not going to kill us for saddling them with this scrap of evil? Shhhhh! It might hear you! Okay, if you ended up as one of the ten lucky recipients of my neurosis, I apologize. But I had to cover my bases, right? You never know with these omnisicent chain letters. They can be pretty vengeful. Of course, no sooner did I unleash mine on ten unsuspecting loved ones, I opened my Yahoo! mail and found an email from Teddy: "Fw: Fw: Fw: FWD: Try this test! It's totally freaky!" So far, I've resisted opening it.

7 Deadly Sins and Other, Less Fatal Diversions Pride: Hmmmm. I've been slacking off at work, at school, and at home. I've gained seven pounds. I still owe one of my professors three papers and I haven't updated here for two months. What's there to be proud of? Envy: You know those people who can budget their time and accomplish things instead of watching Magnum P.I. on A&E? Why can't I be one of them? Wrath: Why am I so damn gullible? Sloth: This one's pretty apparent, I think. Avarice: Why aren't publishers knocking on my door and asking to print my work? Gluttony: First night of Hanukkah = too many latkes. Lust: Tom freakin' Selleck, baby. Even old Tom Selleck. Book: Supposed to be reading Nightwood by Djuana Barnes so I can write a paper on it. Maybe I'll get to that tomorrow. Tune: "Angel Baby" by Rosie and the Originals: When you are near me My heart skips a beat. I can hardly stand on My own two feet. Because I love you. I love you, I do. Angel Baby. My Angel Baby. Obsession: I'm too lazy to be obsessed with anything right now. Task at Hand: Grading papers. Writing papers. Cleaning my deathtrap of an apartment. Take your pick.