May 25, 2004
Gee, talk about avoiding writing a JournalCon recap.
Actually, the really stupid thing is that the JournalCon recap is actually written. I just couldn't deal with plugging in the pictures. Because, yes, I am that lazy, people.
Maybe I'll get around to backfilling it. Or maybe not. Depends, yet again, on whether the level of my laziness decreases from “Ultimate” to merely “Monumental.”
Things here are pretty much the same. I'm still covered in hives. Oh yeah, that's another entry written way back in October but never posted. But the notify list did get that one, so that should count for something.
Anyway, I'm not being entirely truthful. I still have hives, but I'm not covered in them. At least not for most of the day. I finally got an appointment with an allergist and now I'm taking astronomically potent Zertec/Rantadamine cocktail twice a day, which is only given to extreme cases, and, for the most part, it keeps the hives at bay. Except for in the morning when I wake up and haven't taken my first dose and in the early evening, just before my second dose, and well, occasionally stray hives pop out to say hello at random points. Because, it figures, doesn't it, I would be the person with hives so powerful that even the mega-serious, high-dosage, big gun medication only sorta, kinda of quells them.
In addition, I've had a few face swelling episodes and one throat-closing episode caused by the fact that I was terribly sick for a few weeks back in March and it seems that when you are sick (with anything, mind you – the flu, Athlete's Foot, rabies), the hive medication stops working. Fun. But, at the very least, the throat-closing incident motivated the endocrinologist to move me up on his appointment schedule. You know, because I have been trying to get that bastard to see me for months (ever since I first saw my allergist). I've was calling and my allergist was calling and all they kept saying was, “We'll review your chart and if we feel that your symptoms are severe enough, we'll bring you in earlier. But for now, why don't we schedule you for early May?”
Okay, so, I know I haven't been to med school. And, sure, I only took Science for Stupid People in college. And, well, there was that whole incident, or, well, incidents rather, back in 10th grade Honors Chemistry that resulted in Mrs. Meisner wanting to kick me and my lab partner out of class. But really, it was her fault. She's the one who paired Ken Phano and me up in the first place. We tried to tell her it wasn't a science match made in heaven. I was English major/Student Newspaper/Drama Geek Extraordinaire and unless it had to do with money, competitive swimming, or getting into Harvard, Ken didn't want to hear about it. But, nooooo, Mrs. Meisner knew better. Maybe she thought it wouldn't be such a disaster since she had put us at a table with Kimiko Chang, Queen of the Science Nerds. But even Kimiko couldn't stop the destruction that Ken and I would wreak in that class through the sheer force of our scientific ineptitude. Besides, in her infinite wisdom, Mrs. Meisner paired Kimiko up with George Lopez, the kid that the rest of us spent the entire year wondering how the hell he got into Honors Chemistry in the first place, the one kid in the entire class who sucked at Chemistry more than me and Ken. Yeah, George certainly didn't help matters.
The year started off with Ken setting my hair on fire. We were doing some experiment, heating things with our Bunsen burners, bending studiously over our scientific scribblings, trying to write cohesive and brilliant lab reports. I was bending studiously over our notes when Ken decided to relight the Bunsen burner and do the next test. You know, the Bunsen burner that was three inches from the long, curling hair on my studiously turned head. But I didn't know this, because my head was turned, so I kept taking notes, while Ken kept burning test materials, when suddenly, we were assaulted by a horrifically rancid odor:
KEN: Jeez, something stinks.
KATE: What the hell is that?
KEN: Smells like something's burning.
KATE: Yeah, it does. Is it the magnesium?
KEN: sniffing the magnesium he has been burning Nope.
KATE: What could it be? Ugh. It's getting worse.
KEN: Holy crap! IT'S YOUR HAIR!
KATE: (immediately panicking, screaming, shaking her head, thinking it will put out the flame, but in reality only fanning them.) I'm on fire! Put it out!
Ken just stands there, dumbfounded, for a few seconds. Then, instead of doing something productive, starts selling popcorn to the event.
KEN: Oh, fuck, Kate's on fire! George, Kimiko, Kate's on fire! Everybody, KATE'S ON FIRE!!!
George, in an attempt to at least try to help, begins smacking Kate in the head with his lab towel
GEORGE: Hold still. Just hold still.
KATE: I'm on fire! I can't hold still!
George swings the towel too wide and catches it in the flame of Ken's still ignited Bunsen burner. The towel bursts into flame.
George: The towel's on fire! Throws the towel into the sink
KATE: So am I! Ken, do something!
KEN: Oh, yeah, right. Sorry.
Ken finally seizes a beaker full of water and throws it at Kate's head, extinguishing the flames. Unfortunately, his aim isn't completely accurate and most of it ends up hitting Kimiko in the face.
But, you know, she deserved it for just standing there and watching the three of us flap around in a full-blown panic.
Still, Mrs. Meisner refused to separate us. Although, when you get down to brass tacks, I'm not sure I would have wanted to separate. It was kind of fun having a partner who was inept at Chemistry as I was. And Ken was a funny kid anyway. On the other hand, I would not have spent the majority of my sophomore year with perpetually singed hair. Over the course of the year, I burned my hair, Ken burned his hair, we burned each other's hair, we dropped beakers, mixed the wrong ingredients (Gee, why is everyone else's pink and smells like lemons while ours is puke yellow and smells like rotten eggs?), and just generally drove Kimiko bat shit.
And, for our finale, there was the Sulfuric Acid Scare.
The experiment started okay. Ken and I actually managed to get the test tubes into the beaker of water and suspend the entire thing over the Bunsen burner. We didn't even burn our hair. George was doing fine, as usual, because Kimiko was doing the entire lab herself, as usual, and he was just watching her, as usual. The important thing to remember at this point is that there was sulfuric acid involved somewhere in this experiment and we were all paranoid about sulfuric acid because it was colorless and it could burn us, or something bad like that. I mean, it looked like water, what if we mistakenly picked up a cup of it and drank it?
Yeah, sulfuric acid was kind of like a Chemistry-related Voldemort for us.
Anyway, the experiment started out okay. Until Ken and I forgot to turn the flame down on the Bunsen burner. Eventually, the water in the beaker that was holding the test tubes started to boil, violently. Kimiko scolded us for not paying attention and we scoffed at her. This was no big deal. We always forgot to turn the flame down on our Bunsen burner. This we could handle.
Or so we thought.
Because this was the first time that we had boiled a beaker full of water CONTAINING test tubes. Ken went to remove the beaker from the suspension set up with our set of tongs, and well, see, the test tubes must have cracked while they were rattling around in the boiling water, slamming into each other and the sides of the beaker, and they must have also cracked the beaker, because when Ken lifted the beaker off the flame, the entire thing fell apart, test tubes and all.
But even that wasn't so bad. We'd broken things before. And Ken had had the presence of mind, or sheer dumb luck, to have move the beaker and it's contents over the lab sink, so the whole mess dropped right into the sink. No, it was what happened next that presented the real problem.
Even though we had boiled things we weren't supposed to before and we had broken any number of test tubes and beakers before, we were still a bit shocked and surprised by the rain of glass that tumbled into the sink. Ken started and pulled his hand, with the tongs, away from the sink, and in the process knocked over a glass bottle full of a clear liquid.
The bottle broke and droplets of the liquid sprayed everywhere. They hit George on the arm, spattered over Ken and my clothing, and a few of them hit Kimiko in the face. We all looked at the bottle for a second, and then the screaming started:
GEORGE: Sulfuric Acid. You spilled the sulfuric acid! It's on my arm!
George immediately turns on the sink and sticks his arm under the faucet, soaking the sleeve of his shirt and spraying water everywhere.
KIMIKO: Guys…
KEN: It's all over me! Ohmygod!
KIMIKO: Guys…
KATE: It's only our clothes! It hit Kimiko's face!
George grabs his lab towel and tries to wipe Kimiko's face. She pushes him away
KIMIKO: Get off! It's wet!
GEORGE: What?
KIMIKO: Your towel is wet!
George, Kate, and Ken look from the end of George's towel to the place where it had been lying on the lab table, the end of it apparently having been resting in a pool of the spilled liquid.
KEN: George, you jerk! You just wiped more acid on Kimiko's face!
KATE: Kimiko are you okay? Did it get in your eyes? Can you see?
GEORGE: Oh, shit. Oh, shit. The acid. The acid.
KIMIKO: Oh, for Christ's sake.
In the midst of this confusion, Kimiko is sitting placidly with her hand in the air, watching Mrs. Meisner make her way to the lab table.
MRS. MEISNER: What did you do this time?
KEN: The beaker was boiling and it broke…
KATE: and we got scared…
GEORGE: and Ken knocked over the sulfuric acid
KATE: and it sprayed everywhere
KEN: and George wiped more on Kimiko's face with his towel
MRS. MEISNER: Kimiko! Are you okay?! Have you rinsed your eyes!
KIMIKO: No.
MRS. MEISNER: Good Lord, girl, why not?
KIMIKO: Because it was water.
MRS. MEISNER, KATE, GEORGE, and KEN: What?!
KIMIKO: You spilled water, you dumbass.
Kimiko holds up a broken shard of glass bottle that is clearly labeled “WATER”
KATE, GEORGE, and KEN: Oh. Sorry.
So, yeah. I've gone off on one hell of a tangent. But the upshot of all this episode of BHS Memory Lane: Episode 11: Honors Chemistry is to offer proof that I have not a shred of scientific or medical background and even I have a pretty good idea that when a patient is covered in hives, you don't make her wait SIX FUCKING MONTHS for an appointment.
Anyway, apparently, the UPenn Health System doesn't cotton to that kind of practical, home remedy, folk medicine thinking. Nope, they wait until the patient wakes up at 3 AM and can't breathe! Now that's surefire proof that you need to give her an earlier appointment. So I got to see the endocrinologist at the beginning of April, instead of the beginning of May. Somewhere along the line, someone gave me an Epi Pen, so I can avoid suffocating to death. And now I'm slogging through yet another battery of tests because while everyone seems to be reasonably sure that the hives are being caused by some malfunction of my thyroid, no one has any clue as to exactly what is wrong with my thyroid.
Which is pretty much par for the course in my world, wouldn't you say?
7 Deadly Sins and Other, Less Fatal Diversions
Pride:
Envy:
Wrath:
Sloth:
Avarice:
Gluttony:
Lust:
Book:
Flick:
But, scary boat rides aside, I want to know why anyone would think Grampa Joe deserves to be the one that Charlie picks to go with him. For Christ's sake, the guy spent the last 20 years in bed (along with his wife and the other grandparents) while his daughter and grandson slaved away and lived in a hovel and ate cabbage soup for every dinner to support his ass, and then the kid gets the chance to go visit a candy factory and, lo and behold, Mr. "I'm Bedridden and Can't Work" can suddenly walk. Gee, Grampa Joe, maybe you should have been walking for the past 20 years...to work, maybe?
Don't even get me started on the Fizzy Lifting Drinks. Charlie and Gramps broke the rules! They stole the drinks! Where is their Ooompa Loompa song?
Tune:
If I could, I'd take you, baby, in my arms.
Quest for Publication:
Things are pretty good at University C. I not only made my numbers for the year; I kicked the numbers' ass! Good things are on the horizon for me there. Or at least they seem to be.
All you people without hives.
Six months for an appointment? What the fuck is that?
Okay, the truth is the Journalcon entry is actually written; I'm just too lazy to format the photos.
Summer clothes.
White Trash Chili Dip: a can of Hormel chili without beans, topped with cream cheese and shredded cheddar.
Good thing Return of the King is being released soon. I need a new Billy fix.
Who's Who in Hell by Richard Chalmers. I'm not sure about it. I haven't read much but it seems like it's trying too hard to be quirky.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on AMC. I'm not sure why I love this movie so much when so much of it annoys me. Or frightens me. Oh, man, they just got on the boat. I still can't watch that "It's raining. It's pouring" scene without closing my eyes.
The BoDeans, Only Love
Task at Hand:
Grocery shopping.
Not much movement on this front.
Total Submissions: 52
Rejections: 29
Acceptances: 1
Withdrawals: 7